When somebody who you are close to expresses views that clash with your own, and each of you understands the same situation in a completely different way, listening calmly can be incredibly difficult. This is especially true when you feel they have misunderstood your good intentions and you are wounded by their words.
A key benefit of couples counselling is that each person can share their own perspective in a safe and empathic space. Interactions are facilitated in a sensitive and respectful manner.
When to start couples counselling
Couples counselling can be beneficial in a wide variety of relationships, including married and unmarried partners, siblings, friends, and parent and child.
Some couples turn to counselling when the situation has become unbearable, while others prefer to work through their differences at an earlier stage.
Experiencing long term problems in a significant relationship can feel overwhelming, disheartening, worrying and stuck. Your sense of security and stability may be shaken, sometimes causing mental stress and physical symptoms. These side effects can add additional strain to a fragile relationship.
Often the greatest benefit of starting at an earlier stage is the emotional relief that comes from speaking openly in an empathic and accepting atmosphere. Another advantage is the hope and self-empowerment that comes from taking a definite step towards improving your situation.
Sometimes one person is eager to start couples counselling while the other is reluctant. As your counsellor I want to hear from both of you, as there might be a concern that can be resolved. At the same time, I find that counselling is most effective when both people are ready and committed to working with the issues. If a client is unhappy about engaging, we explore this during the session, including whether or not to continue.
Causes of tension and conflict within relationships
Each of us brings our unique history, personality, hopes, desires, culture and ways of coping to our relationships. Difficulties can arise when people have differing opinions, needs and wishes and when painful areas such as a bereavement are not attended to. Daily pressures, family members, and life events can also have an impact.
People tend to seek counselling when one or both members of the couple are unfaithful, and in situations where someone feels betrayed. Trust issues can cause considerable distress.
Conflict can also emerge when one person needs more physical or emotional connection than the other, or when people simply drift apart. A counsellor can support you both as you reflect upon your current relationship.
There might be conflicts relating to financial matters, parenting, and taking care of older family members. The use of drugs and alcohol can cause major problems or exacerbate other difficulties. Often there are underlying frustrations and issues that need our attention.
The power of listening
My role as your counsellor includes listening carefully, respectfully and sensitively to each person. I want to fully comprehend your point of view and gain a deep sense of what you are feeling. I am interested in how you interact with each other, the areas that trigger one or both of you and how conflict plays out.
When I share my understandings of one person's perspective, the other has an opportunity to hear them too. This may allow you to feel some empathy or recognise a different viewpoint.
Being heard and acknowledged is often a relief. You can listen to your own feelings, gaining a deeper sense of your anger, frustration, anxiety, guilt, grief, and love. This may bring fresh insights into how you are affected and how you react.
For many, listening to the other person without commenting is incredibly difficult. You might have a very different perspective, feel misrepresented, or judged unfairly. I hope to communicate my awareness of how hard this is, whilst still holding the space for each person to speak and each person to listen.
As each member of the couple becomes more able to listen, it becomes easier to see both points of view. Discussing differences of opinion and working together with life issues becomes easier.
Couples counselling can help you to identify and address the causes of your difficulties and to understand each other's feelings and perspectives. You can also improve upon how you communicate your views and emotions with each other. As new ways forward emerge you might want to make some changes which can also be explored and discussed.
Endings
As couples move towards ending their counselling sessions, many prepare to continue their relationship in a more peaceful, companionable and loving way. A few decide to see less of each other or to end their relationship. Improved listening skills can help you manage this process more respectfully, amicably and kindly.